A study conducted by a committee of far less happy people, has revealed that Babergh District, made up of the towns of Sudbury and Hadleigh, as well as villages such as Lavenham and Long Melford is one of the happiest towns in England.

Bewilderingly, boring old ‘low carbon emission levels’ in the area, are cited as one of the reasons for the inhabitants’ permanent state of bliss.

Other factors taken into account by the study were, personal well-being, life expectancy, earnings, inequality, crime, deprivation, and access to health services. No mention of sex, drugs, or rock’n’roll at all. Weird!

Happiest Town in England, No Wonder

And if that list of exhilarating, life-affirming lifestyle choices wasn’t enough, some households in Babergh and Mid Suffolk could see their council tax bills REDUCED TO ZERO next year! No wonder they are happiest towns in England.

Smug People of Babergh

While the rest of us are struggling to pay fuel bills and feed our pet tortoises. Carting wheelbarrows full of cash to the supermarkets to buy a single tube of lip balm.

Watching our savings disappear as our mortgages skyrocket.

Selling our bodies on the sleazy sidewalks of Ipswich’s red-light district (well, how else I am supposed to pay for my Netflix subscription?), the spoiled, joyous, and smug people of Babergh.

Second happiest town in England – is living the life of Riley as they laugh in our faces and piss on us from the great heights of their ivory thatched cottages and windmills and towers – which the rest of us are paying for.

Towel Please

Wiping piss from his envious face, this reporter says… “Cheers Babergh! Good luck to you all!”