A Suffolk supermarket has reported sales of Notella chocolate spread have gone straight down the toilet.

Slightly scruffy-looking budget convenience store, Singhsbury’s, owned and managed by local trader, Barry Singh reported on its twitter feed that Notella sales have declined 7550% since a recent rejig in the shop. Mr Singh told this reporter “So its really disappointing what’s happened. Everybody loves Notella innit? Especially the kids and the fat lasses. We sell a lot of the stuff, at least we used to.”

Crap breakfast

Notella is produced mainly out of sugar and palm oil which together comprise over 50% of its ingredients. Hazelnuts make up only about 13%. Despite this, many working-class parents still force their kids to eat it for breakfast spread over toast, crumpets, pancakes, or custard donuts.

I asked Mr Singh what was behind the recent slump in sales? “Shit.”

Excuse me?

“Shit. Innit?”

Sorry, how do you mean?

“So two weeks ago, my cousin came up from Wanstead in East London to help me rejig the place. We do it every 6 months to keep the place looking fresh and to confuse our customers a bit. Anyway, Jamal, my cousin, said why don’t we move the nappies to aisle 29, closer to the Notella to make it easier for mums to buy both at the same time? It sounded like a good idea so we did it. It took bloody ages, I can tell you.”

But it didn’t work?

“No, it bloody didn’t work.”

Why not?

“Because the picture of the kid eating Notella, which we moved closer to the nappies aisle, looks like he is spreading his own shit all over his face, innit? And then he is eating it. It is a turn-off to the mums. So the sales – pthffffff – straight down the toilet, where the kid’s shit should have gone, lol.”