A battle royale of ‘mouth versus tit’ took place in a park in Brettenham, Suffolk this week after a woman breastfed her starving baby while on a park bench.

Shocked dog walkers and families out flying kites, or playing football together in Brettenham Park, Brettenham, watched on in disbelief as two women, one with her left tit out, argued over the rights and wrongs of suckling a baby in public.

The incident began when a young mum – who according to eyewitnesses, appeared to be a member of the lower middle class – flopped out a sizeable mammary, massaged the nipple, and forced it into the mouth of her babe-in-arms.

Another, slightly older and clearly less libertarian woman who was sitting next to the one with her tit out, took offence to what she saw as the tit-out woman’s flagrant attempt to draw her (tit-in woman’s) husband’s attention to her (tit-out woman’s) tit. Whether or not tit-in woman’s husband’s attention did momentarily focus on tit-out woman’s breast is not clear as, any focus on tit-out woman’s tit would most likely have been fleeting and well-disguised by the tit-in woman’s husband.

Pretended to rummage

Mildred Barlow, an elderly local woman who often takes the air in Brettenham park, witnessed the brouhaha. “I was in the park, close to the bench, wondering if anyone was going to get up to let me sit down.

I’m old ffs. It used to be the tradition that a younger person, especially a man would get up to let an older person sit down, but ever since they started letting all the foreigners in, that doesn’t happen anymore. Anyway, I stood there, glaring at the lot of ‘em, pretending to rummage in my handbag for a Polo mint (I actually already had one in my mouth but they weren’t to know that). I kept waiting, and glaring, but no fucker would get up, and then all of a sudden, the posh one flops one of her baps out.”

Then what happened at Suffolk Park?

“Well, you could see that the older woman took offence to the tit exposure. Her husband – who was pretending to read the racing post – started to peek at the woman’s boob by swiveling his eyeballs. His head didn’t move an inch. You could tell he’d done it before.

Anyway, his missus noticed him looking. She made a cat’s arse mouth and then tutted at him, before turning back to the posh girl. She said something to her along the lines of ‘Do you mind, there are children in this park,’ to which the posh mum replied, ‘I know, there’s one on the end of my tit.’ After that things escalated. The tit-in woman was outraged. She turned to face the tit-out woman and just as she was about to remonstrate with her, the tit-out woman turned towards her, yanked her boob out of her kid’s mouth, aimed it at the old lady, and squeezed.”

Wow. What happened next?

“Well, the husband started peeking again but this time his face turned slightly towards the woman’s boob, he’d let his guard down. His wife was getting showered with tit milk at this point. It was in her mouth and everything. It was a right kerfuffle.”

Blimey. Then what?

“Well it all kicked off big time. The two of them were rowing, while the husband just sat there, blatantly ogling the posh woman’s tit which was bouncing around like an elephant doing a bungee jump. Eventually, the two women stood up and were having a massive barny. The baby was screaming and there was tit milk everywhere.”

And then?

“Well, I got me hanky out of me handbag, wiped down the seat, and had a nice sit down.”