FRAMLINGHAM, SUFFOLK – A controversial cattle food supplement designed to reduce methane emissions in cattle is causing an unexpected side effect: weightlessness. Farmers across the region are grappling with herds that are literally floating off into the sky.
By Our Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor
Bovaer (cattle food supplement), hailed as a miracle product for its ability to suppress methane in cow flatulence, is now under scrutiny after reports surfaced that the supplement’s active ingredient, 3-nitrooxypropano, triggers an increase in hydrogen production within the cows. The result? Inflated bovines drifting skyward, reminiscent of oversized bovine balloons at a very niche Macy’s parade.
Graeme Diggard, the bemused proprietor of Hill Farm, reported losing five of his prized Friesians just this past December. “Oi waaatched Daisy float arff roight aafter milking,” lamented Diggard in an interview with The Suffolk Gazette. “One minute, she’s chewin’ cud; the next, she’s a speck over the horoizon. It’s balloon-acy!”
I herd a rumen
Efforts to retrieve the floating cattle have proven challenging. Local authorities are considering issuing “cow-finding drones,” while neighbouring farmers have taken to tethering their livestock with industrial-strength ropes, resulting in pastures resembling peculiar bovine kite festivals.
While the environmental impact of reduced methane has thrilled eco-enthusiasts, scientists are now scrambling to assess whether humans consuming milk from these hydrogen-rich cows might also face unforeseen effects. “Could we be drinking a glass of semi-skimmed and wake up on our kitchen ceilings? We simply don’t know,” admitted a leading food safety expert.
Cattle food supplement
Meanwhile, Bovaer’s manufacturer (cattle food supplement) issued a statement downplaying the phenomenon, calling it a “minor aerodynamic anomaly” and assuring customers that “floating cows are the price of a greener planet.”
As Suffolk’s skies fill with wayward livestock, locals have taken to carrying umbrellas—just in case.
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