Who is the most successful football club in your area? If your fella, your dad, or your brother doesn’t know. The SUFFOLK GAZETTE has put together the definitive statistical analysis of regional English football – mostly scabbed from the internet.

LONDON – ARSENAL

Arsenal FC has won 13 league titles (including one ‘invincible’ unbeaten season). A record 14 FA Cups, two League Cups, 17 FA Community Shields. The Football League Centenary Trophy, one European Cup Winners’ Cup, and one Inter-Cities Fairs Cup. Their most successful manager was Arsene Wenger who was named after German Divison 3 club, Wenger FC.

WEST MIDLANDS – ASTON VILLA

Aston Villa is one of the oldest and most successful clubs in England. Having won the Football League First Division seven times. The FA Cup seven times, the League Cup five times, and the European Cup and European Super Cup once. You can also get a decent curried pasty at halftime at Villa Park.

EAST ANGLIA – IPSWICH TOWN

The tractor boys have an impressive ‘tractor’ record, winning the English league title in 1961–62, and twice finishing runners-up, in 1980–81 and 1981-82. They won the FA Cup in 1978, and the UEFA Cup in 1981. In 1991-92, Ipswich Town won the Division Two title and were promoted to the first Premier League season. It is a little-known fact that the pitch at Portman Road is regularly spread with local muck.

NORTH WEST – LIVERPOOL

The club has won 19 league titles, eight FA Cups, a record nine League Cups, and 16 FA Community Shields. Internationally, the club has won six European Cups, three UEFA Cups, four UEFA Super Cups—all English records—as well as one FIFA Club World Cup. They also hold the record for the tightest perms in English football.

NORTH EAST – NEWCASTLE

As well as having the fattest fans in the game, Newcastle has won four League titles, six FA Cups, and an FA Charity Shield, as well as the 1968–69 Inter-Cities Fairs Cup. Shame you can’t understand anything they say, especially if Peter Beardsley is commentating.

EAST MIDLANDS – NOTTINGHAM FOREST

Nottingham Forest have won two European Cups, one UEFA Super Cup, one League title, two FA Cups, four League Cups, and one FA Charity Shield. Their major successes came under feisty Manager, Brian Clough who was most famous for being found asleep in a ditch, which, he said, had happened ‘mid-ramble’.

SOUTH – PORTSMOUTH

‘Pompey’ has twice won the top division in England (1949 and 1950). They have also won the FA Cup twice (1939 and 2008). In 2010, the club came close to bankruptcy after Harry Redknapp (who wasn’t convicted of 189k tax evasion) had been in charge for a bit, but was saved when the Russian businessman Vladimir Antonov took over the club in 2011.

YORKSHIRE & HUMBER – SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY

Nicknamed ‘The Owls’, Sheffield Wednesday is one of the most successful teams in English football, having won four league titles, three FA Cups, one League Cup, and one FA Community Shield. They are named ‘Wednesday’ because that was the only day of the week that the founding members could spell.

SOUTH WEST – SOUTHAMPTON

1976 FA Cup. That’s it.

NEXT WEEK: Complete list of the shittiest English badminton players of the 1920’s!