MUTFORD, SUFFOLK –  The ‘Pie and Trumpet’ pub in Mutford, Suffolk, has shot itself squarely in the foot by admitting that its waitresses flirt with male customers purely to boost their tips.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

The bold confession, scrawled in bright chalk on a sign outside the pub, read: “The naked truth about our waitresses is they only flirt with you to get better tips.” It turns out, Suffolk’s male patrons were not as thrilled by this revelation as one might expect.

Spectacular miscalculation

The following Friday – traditionally the busiest night for pub-goers saw a near-apocalyptic pub scene. Empty tables, unused beer taps, and waitresses standing idly, filing their nails and looking at their phones. The usual crowd of pint-chugging locals, having taken the news of transactional flirtation to heart. Instead flocked across the street to the ‘Dog and Bone,’. Where the waitresses, they insist, are “proper slags” and not just performing for spare change.

Flirty waitress

“Balls to the Pie and Trumpet,” muttered a regular, pint in hand, as he propped up the bar of the bustling Dog and Bone. “We want boobs and banter, not a business transaction. Plus, Julie from the Dog and Bone told me that she really likes me. He he!” he added, frothing at the mouth.

Porker scratching

Meanwhile, Landlord of the Pie and Trumpet, Les Grissle is left scratching his bald head. Wondering how a seemingly innocent joke has backfired so disastrously. “We thought honesty was the best policy,” sighed the fat, sweating oaf, as he grazed forlornly from the dish of untouched pork scratchings on the bar.

As of now, the Pie and Trumpet is undergoing a major charm offensive to win back customers in the form of a free ‘hand shandy’ with every pint from Les’s wife, Shirley.

Time will tell if Mutford’s men are ready to forgive.

Meanwhile: Furious pub customer served rude sausage pie