HILL FARM, FRAMINGHAM – Suffolk Husbandman, owner of Hill Farm near Framlingham, was forced to use his BMW as a replacement for a broken-down tractor.

The saga began when the Husbandman Mr Diggard’s tractor, which had served him well for over 35 years finally gave up the ghost. Faced with the challenge of herding his 200 head of cattle on foot, Diggard decided he had no choice but to dust off the keys to his sleek BMW.

Cow-culated

However, the logistics of using a luxury car as a makeshift cattle transport proved to be more than a little impractical. With only enough space on the vehicle to transport one cow stretched across the bonnet at a time, Diggard has calculated that it will take him until Christmas to complete the arduous task of relocating his entire herd back to the cattle shed.

“Oi never thaaart oid see the day when oid be chauffeuring me own cattle on me BMW,” Diggard quipped, scratching his arse as he tried to calculate the logistics of the task on an iPad that he was holding upside down. “Quoite ouw oim gonna see paaaaast them cows to see where oim goin’ oi don’t roightly know!” said the bemused cowman as he chewed on a piece of straw.

Dairy do it?

I asked the Husbandman what he planned to do about the problem in the long term. Would he invest in a new tractor? “Oi dunno. Oi moight oi suppose, or maybe oi should should go hoigh tech n’get me one of those floiyin’ things. Y’know, one o’them things wart floiys on batteries n’thart.”

Do you mean a drone? To herd the cattle?

“No, no, no, naaaart a drone. Oi mean a TV remote control. Oi moight just throw the TV remote control art ‘em. That’ll get ‘em moving! Hahaha! Ooo-aaaarrr!”

Meanwhile: Suffolk farmer milks creation of pint-sized cow