LETHERINGHAM, EAST SUFFOLK – Suffolk Police’s Collision Investigation Unit found itself the subject of an investigation after one of its own vehicles crashed into a wall.

By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks

The embarrassing mishap occurred in broad daylight, leaving both bystanders and officials wondering how such a calamity could have occurred.

In 2023, the Suffolk Collision Investigation Unit conducted a total of 185 investigations. Notably, 72 of these were for collisions involving members of the public. However, a staggering 113 investigations were for incidents where a police vehicle crashed into an inanimate object.

Crash out of Europe

The cause of the latest crash is not known, but eyewitness accounts suggest a rather embarrassing explanation. According to onlookers, the driver was heard enthusiastically yelling, “Yessssssssss, goal! Come on England!” moments before the collision. A mobile phone, still streaming a Euro 24 football match, was discovered at the scene, providing a likely clue as to what might have distracted the officer.

Local resident, Sheila Grimble, 62 who witnessed the event, commented, “I couldn’t believe my blimmin’ eyes, or ears. One moment, the car was cruising along, and the next, CRUUUUUNCH! I flipped my blimmin’ wig, so I did!’

Collision Investigation Unit explanation

A spokesperson for Suffolk Police attempted to downplay the incident, stating, “’ello, ‘ello ‘ello. We takes hall collisions seriously, regardless of the circumstances. This event will be thoroughly hinvestigated, and appropriate measures will be taken.” The statement, however, was received by the local press as little more than evasive bullshit.

As the investigation continues, one thing is clear: Suffolk Police’s Collision Investigation Unit has proved once and for all that not only can pigs not fly, they can’t drive either.

Meanwhile: Police are investigating another case: Normal for Norfolk as sex with someone outside family unit is banned