AIRPORT, IPSWICH – Bonkers Eco-warrior Greta Thunberg has chosen the cozy comforts of green and pleasant Suffolk over the bombed-out landscapes of the Gaza Strip for her Christmas Holidays.

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Arriving at Ipswich airport in unparalleled style, Thunberg made a grand entrance riding sidesaddle on the mythological winged horse, Pegasus. Seemingly unfazed by airport security, her ethereal steed gracefully touched down on the tarmac before Thunberg dismounted with an air of typically calculated nonchalance.

Shit talk is cheap

Spouting her indecipherable slogan, “There is no climate justice without human rights!”, Thunberg, who was recently filmed chanting “crush Zionism” at a rally, explained her surprising choice of holiday destination. She asserted that all flights to the dangerous warzone that is the Gaza Strip ‘were unfortunately booked’, forcing her to reluctantly spend the holidays in Britain—a country she vociferously criticizes for its half-baked environmental policies.

Sceptic Thunberg

As Suffolk residents raised their eyebrows at the unlikelihood of the teenage climate crusader’s ‘inability’ to visit the most dangerous place on Earth, Thunberg extolled the virtues of spending Christmas in a land she once accused of having a “colonial hangover.” On the other hand, she expressed her delight at the prospect of enjoying the county’s bucolic landscapes, seemingly oblivious to the irony of celebrating the holiday season in a safe country she is usually found slagging off.

First class

As Thunberg embarks on her peaceful Suffolk Christmas with her woke, do-gooding pals from her environmental nutter’s group, ‘Fridays for Future’, a local group of Ipswich-based Zionists is said to be clubbing together to hire a private jet for Thunberg which will deliver her first class to Yasser Arafat International Airport, Palestine.