In an attempt to champion the cause of inclusivity, Suffolk County Council has taken a bold step towards eradicating bench-based bias by introducing “individual” park benches in all public spaces.

The move, part of their Diversity, Equality & Inclusion (DEI) drive, is aimed at addressing the alleged discrimination faced by single individuals—often unfairly stereotyped as “fat, ugly, or having terrible body odour,” according to a recent report commissioned by the council.

Trigger warning

The report suggested that the creation of specific “safe spaces” for those who identify as ‘single’. Would protect them from the prejudices of the general public, who are generally repulsed by fatties with onion-flavoured B.O. Consequently, the council has embarked on a mission to provide solitary seating for those who, by civilized society’s standards, might be considered second-class citizens.

Critics argue that in typical illogical woke style. The introduction of individual benches could actually exacerbate social isolation and further entrench exclusion. One outspoken opponent of the initiative, Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch. Chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) remarked. “Creating segregated seating based on relationship status is a giant leap backward for society. It’s like saying, ‘You’re fat, we hate you, we’ll quarantine you on a park bench.’ RAGE does not approve.”

If it ain’t woke, don’t fix it

In response to the backlash, the council issued a defiant statement: “While we acknowledge that self-imposed isolation could run counter to the principle of ‘inclusion,’ we have decided to push on with our woke agenda regardless of facts, common sense, or the danger we pose to civilized society, by so doing. We are ideologists.”

As normal parkgoers search in vain for a traditional bench upon which they can sit with a pal and share a bag of revels, individual fatties park their lard-arses on their private benches, disdainfully keeping theirs to themselves.