Popular German (Boooo!) supermarket Lidl has announced it is to close eleven stores in the USA.

Disappointing sales at stores in USA; Las Vegas, Disneyland, New York, The Grand Canyon, and the Yukon trail are cited as the reason for the closures which will reduce the number of stores in the USA to 179.

Frilly Munich-ers

Americans have taken the German (Boooo!) brand to their hearts ever since its first store opened in the Kmart Plaza in Iowa City, Iowa, in 1976. Items on sale in those days included; multi-coloured wooden building blocks, toy tool sets, buffalo meat, roller skates, frilly knickers, and German disco records – the best of which was probably ‘Daddy Cool’ by Boney M.

Money’s too tight to Mönchengladbach

The Editor at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE is too tight to send me to America to follow-up the story, so I picked a random telephone number out of a 1976 Iowa City telephone directory which I was fortunate to find in an Ipswich charity shop…

Riiiiing – Riiiiing – Riiiiing – “Howdy! You’ve all reached 319-335-35001. Aaam afraid no cotton-pickin’ person is at home right now! But if yuur a-callin’ to ask how us folks in Iowa feel about the local Lidl store a-closin’, then leave a message after the goddam tone. Thankya friend! Now y’all have a good day y’hear!”

I couldn’t be arsed to leave a message on that man’s ansaphone so I just scribbled down some made up answers to my questions:

Q. How do you feel about the Lidl store closing?

A. Weeeeeeeel, let me tell y’all a little old stowry about when I was a liddle kid and…

Q. Are you upset or not?

A. Weeeeeeeel, I can’t rightly say that I’m naaaaat upset, but….

That’s everything thank you. Goodbye.

Germans declare war on Britain

Following the announcement of its USA closures, a Lidl press release suggests that additional  closures in the UK could follow. Yes, that’s correct – LIDL CLOSURES IN THE UK!!!!!!

If you want to find out whether or not this is actually true, keep coming back to read the SUFFOLK GAZETTE – It’s completely FREE on the internet.