Will it ever end? That is the question every local man, woman, them and child is asking themselves as more roadworks blight their beloved home county of Suffolk.
And the answer is… no. Unfortunately, it seems the road ahead looks exactly the same as the road behind – i.e. completely fucked.
In an attempt to make some sense of it all, I spoke to David Grissle, a spigot packer on a break from his shift at Johnson’s Spigots of Washbrook, Suffolk. He was smoking a fag in between spitting gob onto the pavement outside his place of work when I asked him – what did he think was behind the never-ending series of road closures across Suffolk, and indeed, the entire United Kingdom. “Posh school mums in SUVs.
You can see ‘em riding their Chelsea tractors up and down, up and down to the bloody school gate and back. Totally fucks the aggregate, churns it up and fucks up the roads for the rest of us. It’s only a two-minute walk to school ffs. Get off yer sexy arses and actually walk with your kids for once, or are you gonna buy them cars n’all?”
Get to the bottom
Determined to get to the bottom of the issue, I drove my 65K Range Rover Velar S to a nearby school to speak to some sexy-arsed school mums, to get their side of the story firsthand. As I motored along, I could hear my tyres grinding the sand, gravel, shell, and slag beneath me, totally unmoved by the damage I knew I was causing.
After arriving at the school, I parked my great big car half way up on the grass verge right outside the main gate. I knew I was blocking other drivers, pedestrians, kids etc. but I didn’t care, I had already spotted what I was looking for.
I crept up behind I approached a gorgeous forty-something Milf with long flowing blonde hair who was chatting with a couple of other fit mums in the playground. She was wearing stretch denim blue jeans and a small t-shirt that showed off her ample, perfectly-shaped bosoms to perfection.
You could even see the indent of the bra strap beneath her top which got me even more excited. I decided to brush past her to get her attention. “Excuse me madam, I am a reporter for the SUFFOLK GAZETTE.” I smiled, winked at her and went on… “What do you think is the cause of the poor condition of the road surfaces in the area?”
Not just a pretty face
“Erm? The potholes, you mean?” Her voice was common but extremely arousing. “Well, I suppose it begins with a depression in the road surface, which is usually made of asphalt and a mix of crushed stone.
They generally occur where there’s a combination of water in the underlying soil structure and heavy traffic passing over the affected area, don’t they? Water first weakens the underlying soil; and the traffic fatigues and breaks the poorly supported asphalt surface in the affected area – the early stage of the process is known as ‘crocodile cracking’.
The further passing over of more continuous, heavy traffic, especially SUV’s, Range Rovers etc. eventually ejects both the asphalt and the underlying soil material to create a hole in the pavement. Isn’t it?”
“Yes. It is exactly that (you a beautiful piece of nouveau riche, slutty crumpet.) By the way, what are you doing later?”
