So-called ‘record’ temperatures (measurements of heat that may or may not actually be hotter than previous measurements) have been melting the ‘bits of Brits’ up and down the country – with no end in sight!

Recent scorching temperatures (which are likely to end this coming weekend) have been reaching heights not seen since the last time temperature records were broken – in the 1970’s or 2010’s or whenever.

Double Cremation

In Lowestoft last weekend, a new ‘record’ temperature of 40.3 °C (104.5 °F) was recorded inside a telephone box on the promenade. Reportedly, the handle on the door was so hot, an elderly lady’s hand spontaneously combusted as she attempted to use the phone box to call her sister, Hilda in Bognor Regis, to remind her to feed the cats before she left for her Dignitas appointment.

Despite a plethora of weather forecasts and hundreds of years of precedent of Brits suffering sunburn, thousands of Brits suffered sunburn as the unyielding heat beat down on their pasty-white skin. Experts commented that to avoid self-immolation by autocremation (W.C. ‘setting oneself on fire’), one simply has to rub a substance called ‘suntan lotion’ into one’s skin before exposing it to prolonged ultraviolet light.

99.9 Fahrenheit degrees

As temperatures soared across the region, an ice cream van fell victim to the sun’s dazzling rays as it melted into the sand at Great Yarmouth. Some local feral children were rushed to hospital when it was discovered that the ‘free ice cream’ they had helped themselves to was mixed with toxic plastic and rubber from the van’s melted body moulding and Michelin tyres.

Wet Fish

Sir Michael Fish, weatherman father of John Kettley the weatherman, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “That’s it. You’ve had your sun for this year. It’s over.”

Forecasting a changeable outlook for next week, Fish added “New records being set next week cannot be ruled out, but this time it is more likely to be for rainfall. And I’m not ruling out a hurricane, either.”

W.C. = Working Class