A vegan business class passenger on Suffolk Airlines was given a single banana for breakfast.

Despite bananas fitting the vegan criteria, the high-powered businesswoman passenger was less than impressed with the meal offered to her as she travelled to Hong Kong for a important, multi-million dollar business meeting.

Ms Cyril Jeffers, VP of Products for Asia Connect investment bank, based in the City of London, reportedly threw a massive hissy-fit when she was handed the single piece of fruit on a cardboard plate approximately half way through her twelve-hour, £1,025 flight to the far east.

Thai the knot

The SUFFOLK GAZETTE spoke to a fellow passenger on the flight who was travelling cattle class but ventured, uninvited into business class to a take a posh shit. Brian Greenwood told us “I was headed to Thailand. Bangkok to be precise, to find meself a new wife, you know, one of those pudgy Malaysian-looking lasses with the fat cheeks and the rosebud lips.

I’m not that bothered if she’s been around the block a few times, or if her arse has a bit of cellulite, because I’m looking to find true love. I want someone who wants me for me, who will love me for who I really am. I know I can find her in Bangkok because I have 650,000 Thai Baht in cash, and a British passport.” 

Yes, but what happened on the flight over, with the woman?

“Oh yeah, well there was that posh tart who was sitting across the aisle from me. All she kept doing the whole way was listen to Berlin’s greatest hits on her Sony Walkman. It was so annoying hearing the non-stop tingy-tingy-wishy-washy sound coming out of her sponge-covered headphones. She must have played ‘Take my breath away’  fifty times, but then again, I s’pose it was the only hit they had.”

It seemed as though Mr Greenwood was suffering from jet lag during our interview as he was totally incapable of getting to the point, but we persevered.

But what about the banana?

“Oh yeah. Well when the banana turned up, the lady got all shirty. She pressed stop on her Walkman with a beautifully nail-varnished thumb, removed the headphones from her ears and rested them around her neck.

Actually, she was an attractive lady – in a manly, business-suited dominatrix kind of way – and I remember noticing the juxtaposition of the steel band of the headphones set against the exquisite string of pearls she wore around her long, slightly scrawny neck.

She stood up, took the banana in one hand, mouthed something (I had headphones on as well) and with her other hand, grabbed the very camp flight attendant by the hair on the back of his head. Then she slowly but forcefully inserted the unpeeled banana into his mouth. It went in quite far. Everyone on the flight gasped, well not everyone but some of us did. I did.”

Then what happened?

“Well, I don’t really know because that’s when the fella came out of the toilet and I went in for my posh Tom Tit.”

FFS.