Would you invite a French rat-catcher with a wrinkled face and bat ears to live alongside your family in your home? Of course you wouldn’t, but that’s exactly what millions of misguided Americans are doing, according to latest news reports.

The French Bulldog, or Bouledogue Français, is a breed of ‘companion’ or ‘toy’ dog designed for superficial celebrities such as; Reese Witherspoon, Lady Gaga and Martha Stewart to parade on TV or while out shopping on Rodeo Drive, California. Now, millions of armoured tanks are following suit and choosing the Parisian pooch as their pointless pet of choice over all other breeds. One in seven of all dogs registered with the Kennel Club of America last year was a ‘Frenchie’.

First bred in Paris in the mid-nineteenth century, the squashed-faced quadrupeds (W.C. ‘animals having four feet’) were originally designed to catch the voluminous rats which infested the squalid, disease-ridden cities of France. Nothing changes.

Paw relations

This reporter spoke to a British Labrador Retriever, formerly America’s favourite dog, until recently deposed by the French pretenders to the throne.

So, Max. You are a gun dog which sounds so much more impressive than a toy dog. What went wrong?

“Ruff, r-r-r-r-ruff. NATO Response Force. Grrrrrrr! America’s dirty work, WOOF! WOOF!”

I see. And are you friendly with any French Bulldogs?

“BARK! BARK! Grrrrrr. Winston Churchill, Ruff! Ruff! 1940, r-r-r-r-ruff, capitulation, Grrrrr, Surrender, WOOF! WOOF!”

Yes, I understand. And do you hope to regain the title of America’s favourite dog next year?

“Grrrrrr… grrrrrr… special relationship… grrrrr. RUFF! RUFF! What special relationship? WOOF! WOOF! Grrrrrrr.”

W.C. = Working Class