The University of Liverpool has banned masturbating in its library. A notice posted on the library door warns horny students that jerking off in the alcoves and reading rooms of its literary archive is strictly against University regulations.

The masturbation warning comes after a spate of mysterious unwelcome ‘returns’ were made in the book depository of the University by a scholar or scholars unknown. Worryingly, secret secreta was found stuck not between the pages of ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’, ‘Lolita’, or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’,.but rather several books in Enid Blyton’s ‘Famous Five’ series,.which recount the adventures of a group of young children of the 1940’s – Julian, Dick, Anne, George, and their dog Timmy.

More worrying still, the pages that were found bonded together, when peeled apart, revealed that it was the dog’s playful antics that were of most ‘interest’ to the reader.

Rare copy

Felicity Bland, who volunteers at the University library on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays told this reporter “It’s fookin’ disgoostin’, like. A’mean it’s a University library, norra poblic toilet, la. What’s wrong with Men only or Penthouse f’fooks sayke? Do it at’ome will ya? Y’derty basstuds.”

The works of Enid Blyton are not the only literary masterpieces that have been masturbated on. Stephen Hawking’s speculative analysis of black holes ‘A Brief History of Time’, and a rare copy of Archimedes ‘Geometrical Solutions Derived from Mechanics’ are among other titles which have been used as intellectual wank mags, leading Librarians at the University to suspect that multiple wankaholics have been at work in the library.

Danger Wank

Tandra Grenfell, another volunteer who demanded it be known that

she identifies as a ‘non-binary queer’ told us “Men. They’re disgoostin’. A’mean, wankin’ inna fookin’ booook? Okay, evrybody laikes a danger wank every now n’then, bu’d’yer reeeally have’ta leave your spermatozoa all over chapter wun of ‘Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’? Jeeezus.”

Missing Book

Grenfell asked the SUFFOLK GAZETTE to appeal for the return of a missing book. ‘Servants of the Wankh’ is a 1969 science fiction adventure novel by American writer Jack Vance, which was borrowed from the library last June and has still not been returned. Honestly!