Suffolk nearly went to DEFCON 3 yesterday when another Chinese spy balloon / UFO was spotted over the village of Kettlebaston in the west of the county.

According to our eyewitness, the expansive balloon was spherical in shape and approximately 25 metres in diameter, larger than anything the Americans have caught. Mary Delaney (81), a local old person, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE:

“Hello, love. Yes. What was it again? A what? A Chinaman?”

No. You said you saw a balloon… in the sky?

“Did I? Oh yes. Of course, sorry, love. It’s the brain you see, It doesn’t work like it used to anymore. No matter. What was it again?”

A balloon.

“Yes, love. The balloon. What about it?”

FFS. What did you see?

“I told you. I was in my Reliant mobility vehicle, going over to see Margaret, my daughter, when I saw a balloon flying up over the High Street. It was big and white, like a big, white balloon.”

Did it have antennae or solar panels?

            “No. I don’t think so, love. It was hovering, right in front of me, hardly moving at all.”

What did you do?

“I told you. I drove to my daughter’s. When I got there, the balloon was still there, right in front of me where it had been the whole time. It was as if it was following me…from the front.”

Hmmm. Then what happened?

“I told you. After I parked up, I hooted my horn and my daughter came out. I pointed to the balloon through my windscreen but she couldn’t see anything. I pointed again and said ‘Look… there… straight ahead.’ But she couldn’t see it. FFS I thought.

Then what?

“I told you. She got into the car, beside me. I said ‘Look… there it is.’ And pointed again. Well! I have to tell you… I couldn’t believe what she said to me.”

What did she say?

“I told you. She said ‘Mam, that’s not a balloon, that’s bird shit on your windscreen, you daft old c*nt!’