A fourth case of bird flu has been identified in Suffolk in a week.

At least that’s what some chickens have claimed after experiencing mild symptoms such as itchy eyes, runny beaks, and recurring bouts of sneezing. Which could easily have been caused by corn dust.

Over-Egging The Chicken Puns

Just as humans tend to exaggerate what are usually signs of nothing more than a common cold in order to take a couple of days off work. The small roost of fowl residing at Grantham’s Farm in Hadleigh.

Suffolk seems to be over-egging their condition in order to avoid daily farm duties such as laying eggs, cock-a-doodle-dooing, clucking incessantly, and generally wandering around the farm in random and unpredictable directions.

Due to colds and flu sharing many of the same symptoms, it can be difficult to tell the difference between them based on victims’ claims alone.

Bird Flu symptoms can include experiencing fever and/or chills, coughing, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, muscle or body aches, headaches, and fatigue. Cold symptoms are usually milder.

People or chickens with colds are more likely to have just the basic runny or stuffy nose.

A Whole Bog Roll

Colds generally do not result in serious health problems but are usually accompanied but lots of self-indulgent effing and blinding such as ‘when is this f*ing nose going to stop running. I’ve been through a whole bog roll this week. Or ‘Atchooo! For f*cks sake why won’t Atchooo! This f*ing sneeze just Atchooo! P*ss OFF???!’

Flu, on the other hand, can be a real bitch but, ironically, when claimed by a victim, can lead to a deluge of insincere platitudes (W.C. ‘cliched remarks’) of sympathy from friends, relatives, and – especially – work colleagues.

They Knew Full Well of Bird Flu

Fake Bird Flu claims in animals are not a new phenomenon. The United Kingdom was afflicted with an outbreak of Bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE, also known as “mad cow disease”) in the 1980’s.

At the time, the French – world leaders at faking incapacity (See WWII – invasion, and occupation of France) – banned all imports of British beef despite knowing full well that the pandemic was not as serious as they made out.

The outbreak was actually started by a militant herd of cattle who only claimed the condition because they couldn’t be arsed to milk that day.

Unfortunately for the rabble-rousing, cabal of Freesians who organized the revolt, the Government’s solution to their claim for time off work was not a trough of lemsip or a few tablets of Nurofen cold & Flu, but rather their mass slaughter and public cremation.

Thinking of taking an unwarranted day off work? Tell us how you plan to convince your boss by writing to editor@suffolkgazette.com