EXCLUSIVE IN TODAY’S SUFFOLK GAZETTE! Read how a group of newly unemployed Yeoman Warders – better known as ‘Beefeaters’ are planning for Christmas now that their queen has been laid to rest.

World of Unfillable Emptiness

The brave and brilliant Beefeaters, synonymous with the historic Tower of London in London, were responsible for guarding her late majesty as she lay in state for four days in September in Westminster hall.

Groups of four Royal Guards rotated guard duty in shifts lasting 20 minutes each and were lauded and applauded for their valiant service to their beloved late leader. However, now that the services, tributes, and processions are over, the saintly Beefeaters must, like the rest of us, return to the real world … a world of unfillable emptiness, boredom, and disappointment.

First Sniff

The Yeoman Warders, however, are not like the rest of us. Nay. They will not be found, wallowing in self-pity like the average, loathsome, toothless, naysaying Brit. Nay! It is not they who slouch and dampen like a barman’s beer-drenched towel at the first sniff of a disappointing spillage. Never! For that is the way of the sad British barman himself!

Those others, those, world-renowned thoroughbred eaters of beef, are built of stronger stuff. Built are they of the very thing they eat… charcuteries of chateaubriand! Those ravenous carnivores of courage would rather DIE than display the lamentable characteristics of idleness, envy, and malice which are all-too-readily found in the puny, shriveled, vegetarian hearts of the so-called ‘men’ on the streets of Britain! Yay! Nay and THRICE NAY!

Soon be Christmas & Beefeaters

So what they actually plan to do is become department store Santas. Apparently, you can get up to £28 per hour at reputable London stores such as John Lewis or Selfridges whereas the lower-class of shop frequented by the usual snot-nosed, feral offspring of your average street-level scum will pay a bit below the national living wage (£9.50) – Santa beard and outfit not included.

The Royal Guard of Yeoman Warders… we salute you!