With the return of autumn comes the inevitable round of bugs, colds, coughs & sneezes and there is nothing worse than waking up in the morning with a sore, dry, croaky throat. But not to worry! Those autumn aches can now be cast aside using a new, some might say, sexy remedy suggested by the nation’s favourite retailer – that’s right… coccksucking with a condom!

Joining forces with leading brand of smut Durex™, new player to the sex industry, Tesco is recommending that deepthroating a big fat cocck sheathed in a tickly-ribbed prophylactic is this season’s best remedy for what up until now has been perfectly adequately dealt with using traditional methods such as: a mug of honey and lemon, fisherman’s friend cough lozenges (bleuuurgh!), 15ml of ultra chloraseptic anaesthetic throat spray, or a pack of 20 menthol cigarettes and a couple of bottles of brandy.

One-stop-cough-stopping-cocck-shop

Some commentators (especially on Twitter, Tik-Tok, Instagram, Ceefax and Facebook etc.) say Tesco (or ‘Tescos’ as many working-class people call it), is taking a risk moving away from their traditional ‘family-friendly’ image towards a more overt X-rated, pornographic, missionary position.

The blow-job endorsing grocery store (Established in 1919 by Jack Cohen as a stall in the East End of London selling wooden love balls and cork butt plugs) say Tescos (properly ‘Tesco’) is just going back to its roots. “We’re just going back to our roots.” said a shop assistant wearing a revealing, tight, black, open-chested PVC waistcoat over hairy chest and pierced nipples.

Tesco Sex sells

And it doesn’t stop there. A spokesman for Titco Tesco told this reporter “Alright ducks, so on top of all the usual vibrators and dildos which can be used for all kinds of muscle pain, back pain, rheumatism, haemorrhoids etc, what we’ve got coming up is an electronic tit-massaging maternity bra for those mums who like to give their boobs a nice good going-over before they feed the littlun.

Then we’ve got the stress-relieving rainbow wank wipes range coming out in November. They’re basically your everyday toilet tissue wipes but let’s face it, that’s what everyone uses them for! (laughs out loud.) And… erm… what else have we got?

Oh yeah, we’re bringing out a new erotic athlete’s foot odour-eater which stimulates the nerve endings in your feet and can give you longer-lasting orgasms. They go up to a size 11 in women’s and 18 in men’s and will be out in time for Christmas.”