By UFO correspondent, Lorraine Fisher – 34 in Framlingham, Suffolk.

As reported previously in the Gazette, a cadre of evil Framlinghamites who laughably consider themselves to be ‘neighbours’ of popular (outside the local area) immigrant folk singer, Ed Sheeran has been caught spying on the ‘prop idol’ in a bid to have the planning permission for his private helipad revoked.

The ridiculously extravagant, and unnecessary helicopter pad, which is located in an extremely private area of Framlingham i.e. Ed’s back garden, may only be used by the wannabe pilot 28 times a year – that’s less than once a day.

Now, it is reported, strange, extra-terrestrial goings on in the skies above the warring village may have scuppered Sheeran’s detractors from ending his ambition of dominating the skies above Framlingham.

Quickie with a mate:

This reporter caught up with one of the anti-Sheeran plotters and asked about recent events…“Well, we’d been putting up with the usual bloody racket coming from Pippin Manor at all hours of the day and night, the studio, the chopper, etc, and we were still rotating counting duty.

I think we got up to 27 or 28 flights. We’d actually had a drink at the Castle a few days before to celebrate nearly reaching the magic 29 and would you believe it, by chance Ed popped in for a quickie with his mate, Gary Numan. Of course, as soon as he saw us he just turned right back around and they left. He’s got his own pub back at the manor anyhow.

It was the Thursday night, about 2.30 a.m. when it happened. There began this strange, high-pitched tone, eerie and pulsating, coming from outside, and a bright – very bright – orangey light beaming through the windows into the house.

It was very other-worldly, like something out of E.T.. Of course, the whole house was woken up, in fact, the whole village woke as we all came outside to see what on earth was going on.”

UFO (Unidentified Flying Orange):

“As we gazed up, partially covering our eyes from the brightness, none of us could believe what we saw. There was an enormous flying saucer hovering directly above the manor. It was mind-blowing.

There was the incredibly bright light which seemed to have a dazzling orange centre, illuminating the billowing mist all around. It was an awesome sight. For a moment, I thought that the orange centre looked like a being, like a person or alien even, but definitely shorter than a human, maybe with orangey hair?

I think this being was the pilot. Anyway, everyone was terrified. The pulsating noise was getting louder and more intense until suddenly, it reached a pitch where we all seemed to freeze. The noise and lights were so overwhelming that it felt like your head was going to explode.

Then, I felt myself lift up off of the ground. I was just hanging there, in suspended animation for what seemed like an age, and then… nothing. That was it, it was all over.

We all woke up the next morning, at dawn, lying on the ground, in the grass or mud or whathaveyou, just right where we had been the night before. The UFO was gone. We didn’t say a word to each other. We all just shook our heads and went home.”

What happened next?

“Well, you can imagine. The talk in the village next day was of nothing else. Rumours were flying all over the place. One of the weirdest was something to do with Sheeran being given flying lessons by some celebrity pilot mates of his.

We all saw him with Numan who’s been flying for years but others say he was recently seen at a cash machine talking to Noel Edmonds! And one bloke who I’ve known for years told me that his sister served the drummer from Blur at the B.P. and he asked for directions to the manor. Co-incidence? Numan – Edmonds – Drummer from Blur? Thas a rum owd dew!”

Get to the point

“So anyway, to get to the point, some of us put two and two together and we decided to go up to the manor and y’know, look over the fence, to see what we could find out. It was Tony who spotted it first. Cood a hell!

A great big bleedin’ UFO sittin’ right there in the middle of the manor. Bold as brass, on its own private launchpad. It was only old Sheeran’s wasn’t it! I was wondering, straight away… has he got planning permission for that?”

Memory erased

“Well, there was uproar. We marched back to the pub to tell everyone what we’d discovered. We went in shouting ‘Listen! Listen! Listen!’ and we sat down in front of the open fire and we had everyone’s attention. And then the weirdest thing of all happened.

We tried to start telling the story, Me, Tony, Brian and Jeremy …y’know, Jeremy Paxman off the telly, but none of us could remember what had happened! We just couldn’t explain what we were trying to say. It was like our memories had been erased.

We just sat there scratching our heads and wondering what on earth had happened and why we were there. Well, since then, a few little things have started to come back, but I still don’t know what it all means.

Latest helipad flight count

When asked, the local group battling against Sheeran’s relentless ‘copter flights said that inexplicably and rather embarrassingly, no-one in the group could remember the tally of flights made to date, and reluctantly they were going to have to start counting again from one.

Ed Sheeran was not available for comment.