FRAMLINGHAM, SUFFOLK – Infamous Suffolk farmer Graeme Diggard, renowned for his eccentric agricultural experiments, has once again captured headlines by accidentally breeding a pint-sized cow.
Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor
Suffolk farmer Diggard, a god in Suffolk farming circles, spent the past two decades diligently stretching his cattle to extraordinary lengths, resulting in a remarkable herd of 20-foot ‘long cows’ garnering admiration from locals and experts alike.
However, his latest foray into the world of bovine engineering has not unfolded as expected. Following a holiday to the Indian village of Vechoor, where he encountered the diminutive Vechur Cow, the smallest cattle breed in the world, Diggard sought to incorporate these petite creatures into his breeding program.
Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors.
— Suffolk Gazette (@SuffolkGazette) March 18, 2024
A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex offenders register.https://t.co/kylyMM05Ob
Despite his meticulous planning and ambition to create of a herd of cows valued for the larger amount of milk they produce relative to the amount of food they require – a peculiarity of the Vechur breed – the outcome has been less than satisfying. Instead of producing a herd of literal ‘milch cows’, Diggard’s efforts have yielded just one single tiny cow measuring a mere 11cm in height.
Pint half empty
In a candid admission of defeat, Diggard lamented, “Oi may have gaart moi calculations wrarng. You just caarn’t trust those solar-powered calculators in Suffolk. There simply ain’t enough sun in the day.” Admonishing himself with a loud slap of his forehead, he added: “I was aarfter more milk, naart smaller cows!”
As the Framlingham farming community digest their eccentric mentors’s milking mishap, one thing is for certain: Suffolk Farmer “Graeme Diggard” won’t cease in his pursuit of agricultural innovation, even if his latest venture has fallen short of expectations.
Meanwhile: Tractor sex man wanted to ‘scrub down’ machinery