LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK – In a futile display of eco-friendly electioneering. The Green Party has unveiled its election battle bus, fuelled entirely by chip fat.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

Suffolk Coastal Green parliamentary candidate Julian Cucumber launched his election bus campaign yesterday. In a chip-fat-powered double-decker bus, trundling up and down the Lowestoft seafront, leaving a distinct scent of fries and hundreds of broccoli florets in its wake.

Cucumber, a seasoned local councillor, business leader, and charity volunteer. She told reporters that his Chef boyfriend, Kevin has been saving the oil used to cook chips at his restaurant. ‘The Generous Aubergine’ in Lowestoft, to power the election bus. “It’s sustainable, it’s innovative, and it smells delicious,” Cucumber proclaimed, clearly relishing the attention.

Noise pollution

The election bus, which resembles a mobile greengrocer’s shop, turned heads as it made its way along the seafront. From the top deck, Cucumber announced Green Party policies through a tannoy, much to the annoyance of onlookers.

“An end to immigration detention for all migrants unless they are a danger to public safety!” blared Cucumber. Pausing as the wind carried the aroma of frying oil across the promenade.

“Scrapping the Police, Crime Sentencing and Courts Act, the Public Order Act. Other legislation that erodes the right to protest and free expression!” he continued, his voice competing with the seagulls’ squawks.

Election bus moto

“And we will campaign for the right of self-identification for trans and non-binary people!” he concluded, as the bus chugged along, leaving a trail of disinterested and mildly hungry locals behind him.

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