SOUTHEN-ON-SEA, ESSEX – In a move set to redefine grocery shopping in Essex, local entrepreneur and practising Muslim, Sadiq Smith, has announced the grand opening of his new Halal convenience store, ‘Halaldi.’

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Smith proudly told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “HALALDI is all about bringing halal food items to everyone in Essex, and hopefully beyond in the future, even maybe Suffolk.”

For the uninitiated, halal is an Arabic term meaning ‘permissible’ in English, as outlined in the Quran. It stands in contrast to haram, meaning ‘forbidden.’ This simple dichotomy has blossomed into a nuanced classification system known as “the five decisions”: mandatory, recommended, neutral, reprehensible, and forbidden.

Ruddy hell!

Halaldi is not just your run-of-the-mill convenience store with essential groceries at great prices. Oh no, Smith has taken it up a notch by stocking an array of exotic and obscure items that most people in Essex, or indeed the wider UK, would be surprised to learn are halal. The offerings include quail, crane, weaver bird, locusts, ruddy goose, blue-necked bird (subzak, neel kanth), parrot, and, perhaps most astonishingly, zebra!

“We want to educate and delight our customers with the variety of halal options available,” Smith explained. “At Halaldi, you can find everything from your everyday essentials to unique and exotic meats that adhere to halal standards. It’s like Noah’s ark but with a knife and fork!”

Essex resident, Betty Butterworth, exclaimed, “I’ve lived ‘ere all me life but I never fought I’d be able to buy a parrot for me bloomin’ dinner!”

Halal convenience store

As Halaldi opens its doors, shoppers can look forward to an unparalleled blend of affordability, diversity, and the novelty of exploring an extensive range of halal foods, from the everyday to the exotic. Whether you’re after a standard loaf of bread or contemplating a zebra stew, Halaldi has got you covered.

Meanwhile: Lidl introduces Middle Class Mondays